Try to stop asking why
by inlya
Summary: There was nothing to fight anymore, she died without pain, she just fell asleep. He had told her what he felt, she had accepted it. It hadn't been too late for his confession. It was okay. [Warning: Character Death]
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Try to stop asking why

**Author:** Inlya (Otherwise known as Andromeda on YTDAW)

**Disclaimer:** Nope, not mine... just messing around with them

**Pairings:** Grissom and Sara...

**Ratings:** PG, I guess...

**Spoilers:** Not my intention, I think none

**Summary: **There was nothing to fight anymore, she died without pain, she just fell asleep. He had told her what he felt, she had accepted it. It hadn't been too late for his confession. It was okay... Warning: Character death

**A/N:** This is the second fanfiction I write, it was hauting my mind for a couple of days and I felt I had to write it. Many thanks to Cybrokat, for being brave enough to beta it. I already have written 3 other chapters, so I think I'll update soon. Please leave a review.

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_It's time to say goodbye  
Block out the sun and pack up the sky  
Don't let my tears start to make you cry  
Each time I try to say my goodbye  
Try to stop asking why  
(The Corrs, Goodbye)

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_**  
**

**Chapter 1:**

Grissom walked through the corridors of the CSI lab. His shift was about to begin, and he was looking for a cup of coffee as he had barely slept the other night. _A cup of Greg's special brew would give me a boost to start my work_. Usually, he could live with less sleep, but this week, it was different, he had to confess that he was really tired. The cases he had to deal with last week may be the source, they were quite heavy: an abused and killed twelve-year-old, a raped young woman, the kidnap of a boy... it had affected him more than he would say. That his team solved them all eased his mind a bit, but it was still difficult to deal with.

He opened the door of the break room and was surprised that he saw someone sitting there. _Sara... what's she still doing here? Or did she just come early? I thought she went home before I did. Did this mean that she never went home? That this was the end of her... triple shift?_ She wasn't looking at him; she hadn't noticed his presence yet. She was checking some files; a cup was next to her notepad. He saw that there were photos on the desk; he couldn't see _what_ pictures they were, but he guessed that they were from the case she was working on. _What case had I given to her? Was it the case of the robbery, was she working with Nick? _He racked his brain, and finally he remembered what case he had given. _She's working solo... on the rape of a minor. _He could kick himself, Sara always went through the deep end when it came to violence, or sexual abuse of woman and rape was the ultimate combination of both. _I should never have given her this case, at least not for her alone. _But he couldn't turn back time, it had happened.

He knocked on the door, and Sara looked up. _God... those bags under her eyes, this was not good. I need to send her home, right now. She needs some sleep, desperately_. She smiled at him. "Hey... you're here early."

He looked sincerely at her, and her smile disappeared. "Please tell me that you didn't stay here all night. Please tell me that you went home."

She shook her head, searching for the words. "I... I... slept, I really have slept. I just... needed to work, had to finish the case." Her hand moved to her mouth, she tried to cover a yawn, but he noticed it.

"Sara, you're a very bad liar. Is this your triple shift?"

"Yes... I mean, yes, but... haven't you told me that-"

"No, Sara, I have never told you that you should work triples. Look at you: you have bags under your eyes, you're shaking, Sara. Your hands are shaking. Do you really think I can use you now? You need to go home. I'm not offering, this is an order. I'm very sorry, but I have to protect you, from yourself."

He saw that she knew that he was right, she hung her head down. _I have to be sure that she goes home, that she doesn't stay here, unnoticed. I have to take my responsibility. If I don't do anything right now, she might think that it's normal to work like this, and she'll do it again. _He knew that Sara might come back in a couple of hours; she was really a stubborn person, not only when it came to cases like this.

"Sara, I want to drive you home. You're too tired to drive home yourself; I don't want you to be in an accident."

He noticed that his words made sense. Sara closed the file she was working at, laid them on the corner of the desk stood up and walked to the doorway. There was nothing left of the usually strong and uplifting person, she was a wreck, literally. She didn't protest, which told him that she actually _was_ very tired, and that she thought that working was not a good idea herself. He laid his hand on her shoulder and they walked to the locker-room together. He stopped when he felt the heat of her body. _She was glowing; I can feel the heat through the blouse that she is wearing. This is not normal, I need to... she needs to go to bed. She's ill, very ill_.

She turned around when she realized that he stopped. "What's wrong? Gris... why are you..."

Her hand moved to her forehead. She closed her eyes and lingered to the solid wall. She breathed in and out, very heavily. He hasted to her and stood right in front of her.

"Sara?"

When he didnâ€™t get an answer, he worried even more. _If she doesnâ€™t respond on her name, itâ€™s bad, very badâ€¦_ Though, he tried to stay calm, and asked her what was going on.

"Sara, what's wrong?"

She shook her head and swallowed. "Nothing… I'm… dizzy. It's… it's…"

She couldn't finish his sentence; before she knew it, she fell on the ground. Her eyes were closed, her mouth a bit opened, but she was still breathing, luckily; he saw that her chest rose and fell. He kneeled at her left side, really worried right now. _What's going on? I need to do something._ He laid his hand on her face, tried to ignore the heat that escaped from her skin and called her name.

"Sara! Wake up. Wake up, honey…"

She didn't move. It seemed that she was still unconscious, and his hand moved to her wrist. He tried to feel her heartbeat, but his attention was pulled by another issue. He noticed small, red spots on her hand. There were not many of them, but they were spread on her hand, not just focused on one place. He bared her arms, to see if there were spots too. There were, many of them.

He remembered to feel her pulse and laid his hand on her carotid artery. He felt a pulsation, fast and irregular. He knew that he had to do something right now. _She needs to see a doctor, now. _This thought repeated in his mind, over and over again. He called her name, again, and tried to remember what he had learned at the first aid classes he had taken, but his mind was empty.

"Sara! You need to wake up, Sara."

She opened her eyes, they fluttered, and she closed them again. Her hand moved to the floor, and she lifted herself up. She looked at him; confusion filled the glance in her eyes. "I... I need to see Greg... results... important..." _She seems to have no idea what's going on... is it better to tell her the truth? But what truth? He didn't know anything about what happened to her, the only thing he knew that it was bad. Fever, hallucination, disorientation, red spots, what was going on with her? What does she feel? _

He stopped her and made her sit against the wall. He sat next to her and grabbed her hand.

"Sara, don't worry, everything is going to be okay. You fainted... you need to see a doctor, I think you're ill. Come on, I'll drive you to the hospital." He didn't say anything about the red spots he had seen on her hands, it would only make her frightened, and that was not something he was prepared to deal with.

Sara looked at him, her eyes wide opened. "No, Gris, please, no doctor. Just... drive me home."

She stood up and tried to walk to the door of the locker room, but her knees wouldn't hold the weight, she collapsed again. He was too late to catch her; he ran towards her and lifted her from the floor. She was barely conscious; she leaned to his chest when he walked with her, her hair fell on her face.

_She needs to see a doctor; it couldn't wait any longer. Al, where is he? In the morgue... of course he's in the morgue. _He made his way to the mortuary, Sara still lying in his arms. Her weight became heavier to carry, but he didn't care, she had to be there as soon as possible. When he arrived, he walked with her through the swinging doors; he opened them with his back to protect the precious burden he was carrying.

"Al? Are you there?" He almost screamed, concerned as he was about her. Usually he was a calm person, usually it was _him_ who told anyone to look at the facts, and think rational before concluding things. This time, things were different.

"Gil... good to see you. But if you come for the tox-screens, I gave them to Greg. You-"

He broke his sentence abruptly when he saw who Grissom brought in. He looked around to find a place where he could lay her down, but only found the steel tables where the dead bodies used to lie. He didn't think that this was a comfortable place to lay down the unconscious young woman, it would be cold, and hard, but he had no choice, laying her down on the floor was no option. He made a gesture to the table.

"It has been cleaned..."

Grissom doubted, but didn't see another possibility. He laid her down on the autopsy table, carefully. She still had't opened her eyes.

"What happened to her?"

Grissom became something calmer by the cool attitude of the doctor. It gave him the opportunity to tell the things as they were, without freaking out.

"She fainted in the hallway, twice. She has a fever, just feel her skin, itâ€™s glowing, Al. And... there are small red spots on her hands."

He showed them to the doctor. Al Robbins moved his hands over her body, as carefully and with as much precision as he would when he was processing a dead body. He looked at the spots on her hands, compared her hands to each other.

"What is it? What do you think?" Grissom sounded very concerned, Sara meant a lot to him, more than she probably knew.

"I think you should call the hospital. I don't want to make you worried, but I don't have the means to treat her."

"But what-"

"Just call the hospital. I'll tell you what I think, but she needs to go to the hospital. Right now."

Grissom took his cell phone and called 911. When he got back, the coroner was checking her temperature with an ear thermometer.

"104."

"104? What's going on? Al... please tell me the truth."

The coroner laid the thermometer back on the table, and tapped with his crutch on the floor. "I think of sepsis... or measles. Both are... lethal... if not discovered on time. Do you know she had her vaccination to measles?"

Grissom shook his head as a sign that he didn't know. He didn't know what he should do. He couldn't think of what would happen if Sara would die, he didn't want to know it. He didn't think he could handle her dead.

"Are we on time?"

His voice trembled when he asked it. He felt that tears were coming, but he pushed them away. _She needs me now, and what use am I when I'm crying? I need to be strong, for her_.

Doctor Robbins shook his shoulders. "I don't know, Gil. I can't tell you, I hope we are. I haven't treated living people in a very long time, but I have seen people like this, even worse, who made it. And on the other side, people who died when their condition seemed not this bad. I can't say anything, all I know that is she has a chance if we go to the hospital as soon as possible. The paramedics should be here in a few.

They both looked at Sara's face. A glistering layer covered her forehead; she was sweating from the fever. Her eyes were still closed. Grissom leaned over her head, and kissed her forehead. He took her hand and warmed her fingers. Her hands were, in contrast with the rest of her body, cold as ice. He tried to warm them with his own hands, but they remained as cold as they were. He brushed a couple of hairs of her face and let his hand lay on her cheek. Her eyes fluttered open. She looked at him, swallowed difficultly and coughed.

"Gris... what's going on? Cold... I feel so cold..."

Her lips trembled and she started to cry, tears slipped down on her cheeks to her ears. Grissom wiped them away with his hand. He still held her hand tight in the palm of his other hand.

"Sara... I don't know... you're ill. You'll be brought to the hospital. Sara, I need you to think, did you have your vaccination of measles?"

A deep frown appeared in her forehead. "Hospital... measles... I don't know... I just..."

Her eyes closed again, but the frown stayed: the look of her face was not peaceful anymore. This was a battle, of life or death, and no-one knew who was going to win.

"Sara! Sara, stay awake. Come on, you can do it!"

Her eyes opened to small stains, it was almost like she was afraid of the light that came out of the lamp above her head. "Hmmmm... I'm... afraid... so afraid..."

These words broke his heart. He wasn't a person with a lot of tact, usually it seemed that he had no feelings, but this was untrue, he _had_ feelings, but was good at hiding them. He had a hard time hiding them at this moment; he wasn't used to situations like this. He wanted to comfort her, but needed to know some things. He doubted if she was strong enough to answer his questions, but knew he had to ask them.

"Sara... Did you have your vaccination of measles? Please, honey, tell me, I need to know. I'm with you, it's okay, okay?"

"I don't know... I think... I had... yes... I was... nine..."

Her eyes closed and didn't open anymore. He wiped away the sweat on her face with a cloth, very carefully, and waited at her side.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** I would love to say thanks for your reviews, but I haven't received any... I really would love to read what you think about it, so... **please leave a review!** Thanks to **Cybrokat** for betaing it. You rock!

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Time passed by, and before he realized it, he was at Sara's bedside. He could be there only for a couple of minutes. The doctors wouldn't tell him how she was doing; they said they didn't know yet. Grissom thought they were hiding something, he felt that Sara was getting weaker and weaker. He couldn't prove it, but he could feel it. It was not a rational thought. _I'm losing her, and I can't do anything. I just can't do anything to make her feel better, can't do anything to ease her pain. _

This feeling of this endless uselessness made him so empty that he started crying slowly. He looked at her face, the infusions that she was connected to, the wires, the machines. He checked the monitors, tried to focus on the beeping that was meant to be the beating of her heart. Her heart seemed to beat fast, too fast. He looked at her mouth. A tube stuck out of it, connected to a machine in which a pump was going up and down. This was something to administer her oxygen, he knew. He tried to check the labels of the IV's, but couldn't make anything out of the names. He wiped away his tears with his arm.

He took her hand, carefully, because there was some clip on her index finger. A band surrounded her wrist; he read what was written on it. _Sara Sidle, September 16, 1971._ This little piece of paper and plastic made his mind calmer, she was still there. It was almost like she lived through this band.

A knock on the door made his mind make a little jump. A young, tinted woman stood in the doorway. She smiled at him. "Hi, I'm Gaby, ICU nurse. I'm taking care of Ms Sidle. And you are?"

"I'm Gil Grissom… her… boss. Friend, I mean… How is she?"

It took him some difficulty to ask this question, it might be something he didn't want to know. The nurse smiled, but that didn't make him calmer. Didn't nurses always smile, even when they had to tell you bad news, _especially_ when they had to tell you bad news?

"Ms Sidle is very weak. I can't give you more information; you need to talk to the doctor. I will ask you to leave this room. She can't have visitors at this moment, and beside that, you're not family. Or… are you her… boyfriend?"

Grissom couldn't confirm, nor deny this question. He was too empty to think about tricks, so he just nodded. The nurse didn't notice that this was untrue, she accepted it. Grissom walked to the door and walked out of the room, looking for the doctor that treated her. He went to the desk in the center of the hall and coughed. The woman looked up, without letting her hands off the keyboard.

"How can I help you?"

"I… I'm looking for the doctor who treats Sara Sidle."

The woman took the phone and called some number. He couldn't hear what she was saying, but she turned her head to him again. "Doctor Morgan will come to you as soon as possible. You can wait there."

Grissom went to the chairs she was pointing at, and waited. It didn't take long before a man in a white coat appeared. Grissom stood up and shook the hands of the doctor. "I'm Doctor Morgan, the ICU doctor. I'm the doctor in attendance of Ms Sidle. You're family?"

Grissom nodded. "Yeah, I'm her boyfriend. How… how is she?"

He tried to stay strong for the answer, knowing that it would be bad. He didn't want to break down in front of anyone, he wanted to be with Sara, and she needed him.

"Would you please sit down?"

When the doctor saw that Grissom shook his head, he added: "Let's be honest with you. She's not doing well. She's suffering from sepsis, caused by some bacteria. We don't know what bacteria, but we're administering antibiotics. She's really weak, and we're not sure if she's going to make it. I'm sorry."

Grissom's hand covered his eyes. He couldn't take this news, knowing that Sara might die froze him to the bone. "What… are her chances? Were we on time? What's going to happen to her?"

"Please stay calm. At this moment, I can't say you anything. Only time will learn, I'm really sorry that I can't tell you more. If she will survive, she might suffer from internal bleeding, and bleeding from her skin. But I can't say what will happen."

The doctor walked away, but the words by Grissom stopped him. "Can I see her now?"

The doctor turned around. "I'm sorry, but not now. She needs her rest; she can't see anyone at this moment. She has no resistance, and if you walk in the room, you can bring viruses or bacteria with you. Another illness will certainly kill her. She needs her rest. But we will call you if her condition changes."

The doctor went around the corner and disappeared, leaving Grissom behind with a very confused mind. He wanted to be with someone; he didn't think that he could take it alone any longer. _But can I just call someone? They're at work, would they come to him? O god… do they know what's going on here? Do they know it? What has Al told them? Al was the only one who knew, wasn't he? Should he call the doctor? Or someone else? They deserved to know what was going on… what if she would die, and they had not said goodbye?_ He knew that he had to call them, so he walked to the telephone that hung on the wall at the side of the hall. He dialed the telephone number of Catherine. _She'll warn the whole team, she would know what to do. She'll probably handle all this better than he would._

"Willows"

"Cath, it's me. I… Sara… she's in the hospital. It's bad, Cath. They-"

"Wow… easy… Calm down, Gil… What's going on? Sara's ill? What happened?"

Grissom sighed. He had to tell the whole story again, and he didn't even want to think about what was going on in the other room… he didn't want to think about Sara… the hot skin, the cold hands, the red spots… and now he had to think about her, when she was looking at him, her scared eyes were burned in his mind. Her words haunted his mind.

"Sara… she fainted in the hallway. She didn't wake up… I brought her to Doc Robbins. She's in the hospital now; they think that she's suffering from sepsis. They think she might die. Die! Catherine, I... I can't handle it on my own…"

"Shhhh…calm down. I'll be there. It's gonna be okay… she's a fighter, and you know that. I'll give my files to Warrick, and I'll leave, okay? I'll be there in a few."

"Cath? Do you want to say it to the others? They… need to know what happened…"

"I will. I'll be there, as soon as possible, okay?"

She broke the connection and left him standing there. His mind calmed down a bit. _Catherine was coming, it was alright. She knew what to do… she'll drag him through this miserable period. _

Still, he couldn't deny the voice that came up in his mind.

"_Gris… what's going on? Cold… I feel so cold."_

He wanted to run towards her… he wanted to calm her down; he wanted to hold her… to save her. He knew he couldn't, and that feeling made him so desperate.

"_Cold… I feel so cold…"_

What was going on? What was that damn blood illness that made her so ill? He settled down in the chair. He shook his head and laid his hand fall in his hands. He didn't cry, his mind was too empty to cry. He waited for the arrival of Catherine.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Thank you for the review! Thanks to **Cybrokat** for the beta-ing. Oh, btw, this is NOT medical correct. (I'm not in the mood for long authors note, sorry)

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He was shaken up by some sound around him, and realized that he had slept for sometime. He looked at his watch, and saw that the time that he had been away only had been 10 minutes. He looked in the direction of the sound, and saw that someone was standing in front of him. It was the nurse that he had seen earlier.

"Mr. Grissom, Doctor Morgan wants to talk to you, right now. He's in Ms. Sidle's room."

He rubbed in his eyes, and looked at the nurse, confusion filled his face. "Where's Catherine? Has someone been looking for me?"

The nurse shook her head, as a sign that she didn't know who he was talking about. "No, I haven't seen anyone who was looking for you. I'm sorry. Shall I walk you to Ms. Sidle's room?"

Grissom nodded vaguely and followed the black-haired nurse to Sara's room. The door was opened, and Sara was lying there. There were red spots all over her face now. He could see that on her hands, the spots had disappeared and red blotches had replaced them; there was almost no white skin left. The beeping of the heart-monitor was really irregular, one time it was really fast, the other time so slow that Grissom thought that her heart was giving up. The doctor was next to her bed, injecting some fluid in her upper arm. When he was done, he walked towards Grissom.

"I'm sorry to say this to you, it's not going well. She's suffering from multiple organ dysfunction syndrome. This means her organs are about to give out, her lungs just can't handle it anymore and her heart is about to stop as well. If she wants to survive, she needs to be operated, and in her condition, I can't let her go to the operation room. She will die on the operation table, she wouldn't survive it. I wanted to ask you to sign an affidavit to, if her heart stops beating, not to reanimate her. Do you want to sign it?"

Grissom was perplexed by this totally unexpected question. "Is there… nothing you can do?"

The doctor shook his head. "We do everything we can, but we can't do more."

The emotion became too much, he started to cry vehemently. After a while, he dried his tears and looked at the doctor. "She's going to die, isn't she?"

The doctor nodded slowly. "If there's not going to happen a miracle, she's going to die. It's only a matter of time. I can't tell you how long, it could be minutes, and it could be hours. I'm really sorry that I can't do more."

Grissom didn't want to look at her face, it was too painful for him to think about the fact that it was _his_ decision to make, that _he_ was going to decide if she was going to make it or not. At least, it felt that way.

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around, and saw that Catherine. She seemed even more confused than him; her eyes were turning from Sara to him. She was silent, but waiting for an explanation.

"They asked me to sign a no-reanimation file… she's dying, Cath…"

His words faded away in a whisper. He had no tears left to cry. He turned to the doctor. "Is she… in pain? Can I talk to her? I need to tell her something…"

The doctor looked at Sara and nodded slowly. "I don't think she is in pain, we're administering painkillers. About you wanting to talk to her, I think I can make that happen. So… you want to sign the paper?"

Grissom took the paper, read what was written on it, and wrote his signature on the bottom of it. The doctor put the monitors off. It wouldn't matter anymore if she would be alive or dead, they wouldn't try to save her life. They removed the tube from her mouth. All the personnel left the room, and only Catherine and Grissom stayed. They looked at each other. He saw that she had cried, her eyes were red, and tears were visible on her cheeks. She shook her head, as a sign that she didn't know what to say. She walked towards him and gave him a hug. A long time, they stood there, in complete silence, then they let each other go. Catherine tried to make eye-contact, but he looked away from her glance.

"Do you want me to leave?"

Grissom didn't say anything at the first, but knew he had to make clear what he wanted. "No, Catherine, would you please stay with me?" He felt that his voice was swollen by the tears.

Catherine nodded and took his hand. She decided to stay in the corner of the room, on a chair. She knew that she had to be silent now, and that it was going to be immensely heartbreaking. She closed her eyes and shook her head, but couldn't get rid of the bad feeling she felt, the situation was too close to her.

Grissom took a chair and placed it next to her bed. He sat down on it, sighed and wiped away his tears. He looked at her face, and tried to imagine it when she was smiling, but his attention was drawn to the painful expression on her face, she was suffering. The doctor had told him that she wasn't in pain, but he was sure that she was. He took Sara's hand, and caressed it softly. He kissed her fingers, one by one. He moved his head to her face and whispered words to her, softly in her ear.

"I love you… Sara… I… Don't be afraid, it's going to be okay." He felt that his tears were dripping on her skin, but he didn't care. He let them lay there. He kissed her cheeks, her forehead and the rest of her face. He laid his head rest on her pillow, next to her face.

After a while, she opened her eyes. She blinked a couple of times and looked at him. "Hey…" She seemed to say it with difficulty, but she was alive. The absence of confusion told him that she knew what was going on. He didn't know what to say to her, he wanted to tell her anything, but he didn't know how much time he had left. His mouth opened and shut again. She smiled at him, and her smile seemed to have the same warmth than it had before.

"I'm going to… die, right?"

He couldn't answer her question; it was too much for him. He felt that his heart stopped beating, the coolness of her words made him shiver. That she knew so well what was going on, surprised him even more, and made it even more painful, as she knew what was going on, he couldn't deny it anymore. Slowly, he nodded. "Yes, Sara… I… I don't know… I don't know what to say."

She turned his head to him, her hand touched his cheek. She smiled at him, at least she tried to. "Shhhh, don't… worry… Can you hold me? That's… enough for me…"

He moved the upper part of his body on the bed and placed his arm around her. He touched her hair with his hand. She closed her eyes. She tried to say something to him, but realized that it cost too much power. Her voice stuck in her throat, but she tried again. "On… my desk, at home…is an envelope. You… have to read… what's… in it. Find it…."

She felt that he nodded and snuggled to his chest. She seemed ease, he was with her, and it was okay. She didn't have the power to fight her fate; it became all clear to him. That it was okay with her, that she accepted that she was going to die, it all made him calm, and gave him the strength to hold on, to be there with her, until the death separated them.

"Sara?"

He felt her nodding, _she obviously has no strength to look up and say something_, and he continued the words. "Sara, I… I'm sorry, for everything… I… I love you. I know that it's… too late… but I… wanted to let you know. I love you…"

She looked up and opened his eyes. "Grissom… its okay… I love… you too. I'm… tired… Grissom? Can you… say… goodbye to everyone?"

Grissom burst out in tears, he didn't try to stop them anymore. Between the sobs, he tried to make things clear. "Yes, Sara… I'll try to say… goodbye. Sleep… please sleep honey… don't be afraid… it is okay…"

The words she was saying were whispers now, and almost fade away. He tried to listen closely to them. "Grissom… promise me… that you won't… give up. Go… on with… your life."

Her head fell down on his chest; she was unconscious now. He felt that these words would be the last words. He didn't try to wake her up again, knowing that it wouldn't change anything. His crying stopped, he just felt a great emptiness in him, and it was growing. "Sara… I promise you." He was not speaking to her, nor to Catherine. He was saying the words to no-one.

He laid his hand on the artery in her neck, and felt her heartbeat. She was still alive, how long would it last? How long would it take until her sick body would give up? How many minutes had he left with her? It was unfair, but he had not the strength to think about it. He stayed in his position, for several hours.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Sorry, I had no idea that I had to speak in plural when I told you that I thanked you for the review... my hotmail was a bit behind with the emails (and so was I). So, for the record: Thanks for your review**s**. Thanks to **Cybrokat**! Special thanks to **Silvia **(?) (The Evidence). Very special thanks to **Myra**.

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His mind was shaken up by a hand that was placed on his shoulder. He looked up, without trying to move, he didn't want to wake Sara. He saw that Catherine was standing next to him, for some reason her attitude seemed calm, without emotion. She looked at him, with a glance that was full of pity. 

"Gil... she passed away..."

He tried not to look at Sara's face, afraid of what he would see when he did. He remained silent, knowing that Catherine was right. _But she was still warm, she didn't feel dead. _He knew that rigor mortis, or the cold feeling of a dead body, made its entrance later, but he didn't want to think about it. She felt alive, she was still with him, she was not dead. He shook his head, and looked a Catherine.

"She isn't... she can't be"

Catherine touched his hair. "I'm sorry... she is. I'm so sorry, Gil"

His eyes moved to Sara. She was lying there peacefully; it was almost like she was asleep, except that she was not breathing anymore. His hand touched her neck, and he felt that her heartbeat was absent. For some reason, this thought made him calm. _There was nothing to fight anymore, she died a natural death, without pain, she just fell asleep. He had told her what he felt, she had accepted it. It hadn't been too late for his confession. It was okay._

He let her go and laid her on the bed, he wanted her to lay as comfortable as possible, though he knew that she wouldn't feel it anymore. Her eyes were closed; the expression on her face was calm. He stood up and walked towards Catherine. "We should tell the doctor that she passed away" He almost walked out of the room, but Catherine stopped him, by sticking out her hand to him.

"My condolences I... I... don't know what to say... let me warn the doctor, you can stay with her"

He was glad that she was with him, she seemed to have this situation under control, but when he looked closer, he saw that she was about to cry too. He nodded at her and placed himself in the chair, next to Sara, again. He touched her head, brushed the hairs out of her face. He was used to working with dead bodies, but he had rarely worked with the bodies of people he knew. He still heard her voice in his head, and saw her face in his mind, smiling Sara, when she had discovered evidence. He even remembered her, flirting with him. Her bright personality that lighted up the darkness of the night, it was all gone. And with her, he was gone. He didn't know how to go on with his life without her.

_"Grissom... promise me... that you won't give up. Go... on with... your life..."_

How? How could he just go on with life, when she was not there anymore? He needed her, he realized it, and he didn't think that he could make it without her. His life has ended this night, she has taken it with her to... to where? He used to believe in an afterlife, he was brought up as a Catholic, but he had seen too much grief, in victims, the surviving relatives, even the persons who committed the crime. He didn't believe in one god that decided anything, and he didn't believe in a heaven. But he wanted to believe that she was in a better place, which would ease his mind. He didn't know if he could believe it.

A doctor entered the room; it was another doctor than the doctor he had seen. She walked to Sara, looked at her and came closer to the bed, without pulling Grissom away. She placed the pads that lead to the monitor on Sara's chest and checked the monitor. When she heard a monotone beep, she took her pen and wrote something down. "Time of death, 1.48 am." She muttered the words.

The doctor walked to them, and shook the hands of both Grissom and Catherine. "I'm really sorry." She opened the door and left the room.

"I think I should call the lab... they don't know what happened"

Grissom didn't do anything to stop her, he couldn't speak, he felt that his voice was stuck in his throat and there was nothing he could do about it. He nodded and looked at her when she left the room.

Catherine walked to the hallway. _It had all been so fast... yesterday she was still alive, working on her case, she had seen her smile, and now, she was dead, only a covering, without a soul. It wasn't Sara anymore. I have dealt with death so many times, but you never got used to it. _She didn't know what to do with Grissom, she couldn't read his emotions, but she knew that he felt so many things right now. He was having a hard time, and she wanted to comfort him. She didn't know how, she couldn't bring her back...

She stood in the hallway and walked to the phone. She dialed the number of Brass' cell phone.

"Detective Jim Brass."

"Jim... it's me... I... I... Sara... she passed away..."

"Whát? What happened?"

"I… I don't know… Gil was with her in the hospital when I arrived. She… she died in his arms… she was ill…"

"O God… Ehm… I… I'll be right there…"

"No, Jim, please stay there… there's nothing you can do here… just… I need to call the others… I need to go…"

She hung up and dialed the number of Warrick's cell phone. He was working on a case with herself, Nick was not with him. Warrick was usually cool in these circumstances; at least she hoped that he would be calm.

"Brown"

"War… it's me. I… I have-"

"Is it Sara? It's Sara, right? How is she? Is she okay?"

Catherine felt her tears and let a single sob go out of her mouth. She swallowed her tears back, and closed her eyes, searching for an answer.

"Cath? She's not…"

Catherine nodded and then realized that he couldn't hear it. "I'm really sorry... she passed away..."

Silence fell between them. After a while, she heard his whispering voice.

"How? When? Is there anything I can do right now?"

She shook her head. "She... she had some kind of disease... she died peacefully. There's nothing you can do, please stay there, you can't do anything for her, she's gone, War... I... I got to go... I have to call Nick..."

"Cath? Please, take care of yourself…"

Catherine laid her hand on the hook and called the number of Nick's cell phone. This would be the worst conversation, she knew that. Nick was Sara's best friend; they were like brother and sister. She prepared herself for the heartbreaking talk she was going to have, but her thoughts were abruptly broken by the words at the other side of the connection.

"Stokes."

"Nick it's me..."

"Hey Cath… what do you need?"

"I… Nick… I don't know how to say this…"

"You can ask me anything, you know it… Don't worry…"

The happiness of his sound made Catherine so sad, she wouldn't know how he would take this news, probably very badly. _He obviously doesn't know anything, Warrick hasn't called him._ She only told Warrick that she was leaving to go to the hospital, she couldn't reach Nick, and beside that, it only would have taken too much time to call him. Now she felt sorry that she hasn't warned him before she left.

"Nick... can you please sit down?"

"Why, what's going on? You can tell me, Catherine…"

"Nick… Sara… she's in the hospital… she… she…"

She was really crying now, and there was nothing that could stop her. Nick waited patiently until she was done. She swallowed a couple of times and dried her tears.

"Cath… what's going on? What's wrong with Sara?"

"She's dead… she passed away half an hour ago…"

The connection broke suddenly, and left Catherine with the phone in her hand. She didn't call him back; she knew that that wouldn't make any sense. She sighed and walked back to the room where they would be. She knew she had to arrange things, and they couldn't lose time now.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** You don't know what you did with your reviews. Really, I was touched so much by them, you guys rock! Thanks to Cybrokat to beta it for me (very quickly :)), thanks to Silvia. Thanks to Evanescence, who dragged me through this with Breathe no more... And for anyone I forgot to mention here, and knows that he or she needs to be thanked, thank you :) Oh, I skipped some time, but the later chapters will be full of drama, so... you get more later, okay? I promise!

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**Some days later**

The room was cold and dark, the lights were not on. Even though there was no life in it, he felt a presence there. This room was not empty. He searched for the button to turn on the light. He pushed it, and the fluorescent lamps turned on, hesitating at first. He blinked his eyes, and walked into the room. At the back of the room were boxes, metal boxes. He tried not to look at the autopsy table, where the body of an elder man lay. He walked straight to the metal boxes and searched for one specifically. He found where he was looking for and placed his hand on the handle. The pathologist had already opened the lock for him, so he only had to open the door and roll out the layer. He tarried, wasn't sure he could do this. He read the paper on the box.

_Sara Sidle  
Date of birth: 09/16/71__  
Date of death: 12/13/04  
__Date of release: 12/15/04  
__Release for burial_

He shook his head. _She had only reached the age of 33. Thirty-three. And I haven't got the chance to say goodbye to her. It shouldn't have been like this... it's just so wrong. She didn't deserve to die so early... _

He removed his hand from the handle, but felt that this wouldn't make a difference; he _had_ to tell her goodbye sometime. if he delayed, maybe he wouldn't have that chance anymore. He pushed the handle down, and opened the door. He could see one string of hair, escaped from under the sheet. He pulled the layer out of the storage, slowly, without looking at the shape of her dead body.

The layer stuck at the end. He still had moved his eyes away. Of course he had seen dead bodies, but not _her_ dead body. He remembered he _had_ to tell her goodbye, how hard it would be. _She will be gone for good when I tell her goodbye, she will be gone. _He knew that she _was_ gone, but he had pushed that thought away, he didn't want to think about it. He knew that he had to face the reality and he finally looked at the sheet. It covered her body, only the shape of it was visible.

He took the upper part of the sheet and lifted it from her face. His hands shook, though he pushed himself to go on. He released her face from the fabric. He looked at her face, the closed eyes, beautiful nose, white mouth and pale skin that looked even paler in the fluorescent light. Her dark hair that surrounded her head, fan shaped. He wasn't scared by it; he just couldn't believe what he saw. This was not Sara, it couldn't be her. It must have been a mistake, a horrible mistake. _Everyone must have been wrong, they must have mixed her up for someone else, and..._

Deep in his heart, Greg knew that this _was_ Sara; he just couldn't imagine his life without her. He laid his hand on her cheek, it felt cold, and not like normal skin. It has lost all its softness and elasticity. Small red spots were all over her face, though he could see some spark of the sparkling woman she used to be. He let his hand go off her face, and started to talk to her, as she was still here, with him.

"Why have you left us? Why, Sara? You know... these days, these two miserable days, this question is in my mind, all the time. And I just can't find an answer... no-one has an answer. Why have you left us? Why were you the one to leave this world? Was it God? Was it fate? I keep asking myself this question over and over again, and I still don't know why..."

He looked at her face, as if he could find an answer in there. He didn't receive one.

"You know... I've always had the biggest crush on you... maybe it's not something you tell... and it's not worth to tell it now... now you're dead... and you can't hear me, it doesn't matter, but... well... since you're gone... I don't know what to do... I have no idea why I'm saying this to you... I just want you to know... I miss you Sara."

He closed his eyes and a small tear found his way on his cheek. He swallowed hard. He opened his eyes and looked away from the layer.

"I think I... I've read your letter. And I want to tell you that what you told us was true... you know?"

He closed his eyes again and pressed his lips against each other. "I... I can't do this anymore... I'm sorry Sara, but I have to leave... I... can't say goodbye to you, not here, not now..."

He laid the sheet on her again, put her body in the storage. He closed the door and left the room, still crying.

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**Please tell me what you think and leave a review. **Sorry for the shortness of the chapter 


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **Not really in the mood for making an A/N, but I'll give it a go. I hope I won't disappoint you with this. Another chapter will follow, my last. Chapter 7, 7 is a magic number. I want to thank Lost November and Butterfly Of Darkness. And everyone who reviewed and read this. Please leave a review for me, everything is welcome. :)

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**Chapter 6**

Everyone was there, everyone she had cared about. No suits and no long, black dresses. Sara had asked them not to wear these clothes. She hadn't wanted it to be sad, which was impossible, but at least the choice of clothes was not funeral-like.

They were talking and small groups of people were standing in circles, quietly waiting for the doors to the auditorium to open. Not really silent, some of them were whispering words, others were wiping away their tears, the wrinkling sounds of the tissues were barely audible. The uncomfortable feeling was vibrating all around.

Most people though, were looking around. There was a small row of people who were signing the guestbook. Tears, some of them filled with black traces of mascara, fell on the white paper like raindrops on the bricks after a hot day.

She opened the door with her right hand. Nobody noticed that she was there, at least no-one looked up and greeted her. She turned around and mirrored herself with the glass from the window. Looking herself over, she nodded to her reflection. Her hands moved to the underpart of her black jacket and pulled at the fabric. She tossed her hair behind her ears and sighed.

Catherine closed her eyes and faced herself again. _Right,_ she whispered inside. She knew that she had to be calm today, she probably would be the only one who could hold the facade of coolness and calmness, or at least _tried_ to do so. She turned around, and started to look for the ones she was searching for.

She let her eyes glance around the room. There were the guys, standing in a triangle. They weren't talking as they used to do, no laughing, no animated gestures, nothing. No silence either, they were whispering things, it seemed that they were digging up old memories. Greg was talking and Warrick and Nick were nodding, quick smiles were shared. But it was nothing like the time they spent together. The atmosphere was black.

Greg was wearing a purple shirt with black trousers, Nick wore black pants as well with a black shirt, coloured up with red sleeves and Warrick had his green buttoned shirt and also black trousers. She smiled to the guys, and her eyes met Greg's. He shared a nod with her, just a nod but his smile made her feel better: it was a real smile, not a forced one.

_Thank you, Greg. That's what I needed_.

But the guys weren't the one she was looking for. She looked around longer, and saw everyone, except for him. She shared glances with Brass, who nodded sincerely at her. For one moment, she was afraid that he hadn't come at all, that it was just too hard for him. But then she saw him, standing in the corner, back to the crowd, face to the wall.

Catherine sighed and walked over to him. Thoughts quickly passed her mind, but she couldn't find any sentence that suited the atmosphere of this moment. _'I'm sorry for your loss'_ would sound too formal. Grissom never had been a person who liked sentimental things, so she didn't know how far she could go. The clapping sound of her heels reached him, but he still hadn't noticed her, at least his attitude did not change.

She placed her hand on his shoulder, and whispered his name. He didn't move, it was almost as if he hadn't noticed her at all, but slowly he turned around. She could see that it moved him a lot, but the look in his eyes was an empty one. _Shock_, she thought.

"Hey... I just wanted to... you okay?"

_Brilliant movement, Cath, brilliant. Of course he is not fine_, she thought.

He didn't seem to notice the meaning of her words, so she tried again. This time she didn't try to think, she just let her mind speak for her.

"Gil? I... I don't know what to say, I just wanted... I just... I'm so... I'm so sorry for... everything... you know that I am here, for you?"

He stared down for a very long time, then nodded. "Thank you", he whispered, barely audible. Though, the expression in his eyes didn't change while saying it.

She found it extremely hard to be here, not-knowing what to do, not having any clue about what was right and what was wrong to say right now. She swallowed and doubted if she would give him a hug or not. She looked at him, and decided not to: he wouldn't appreciate it today, the look in his eyes was dead, the glinster had ended.

She feared that, if he couldn't let it go, it would never come back. That the Grissom she knew died the night _she _had died.

Just when she wanted to say something, she heard some commotion behind her. She spun around as quick as she could and her eyes quickly scanned the room.

_What happened?_

Then she saw it. Nick was standing against the wall, breathing heavily.

_What the hell happened to him?_

She rushed to him, and moved through the small crowd that surrounded him. He had closed his eyes and couldn't stop shaking his head. He was whispering words Catherine could not hear. Her glance met Warrick's and she smiled to him.

"What happened?" Only her lips moved, she did not speak out loud.

Warrick shrugged his shoulders and turned to Nick again. "Come on, we're going outside."

He touched Nick's shoulder and lead him out. Looking over his shoulder, he smiled to Catherine. She knew that she should better leave them alone right now, being there wouldn't make any sense: she would only make things worse. Catherine decided to sign the guestbook before the doors opened.

The two men sat down on the stairs in front of the auditorium. There was a small space of privacy between them, but you could see that they cared a lot about each other. Nick was still shaking his head, emptyness filled his eyes.

Warrick was waiting for him to give a sign that he was ready to talk again. He was watching the Texan next to him with care. They all cared about Sara in their own special way, Warrick knew that, but Nick was like her twin-brother, that was the kind of relationship those two had.

He himself had a more difficult relationship with Sara, which hadn't started that well. But, even though he seemed to take it well, he missed her terribly. The things she said, the _way_ she said things... it would never be there anymore.

Nick moved his glance to him and dried his eyes with his arm. "I just realized... I just thought that... that it would never be this... way... anymore. I remembered... I suddenly heard her say something... you know those... little arguments we had, just teasing. The time she and I... when she got the best cases and I was jealous of her... because she could work solo and I couldn't... The time she asked me if I prefered leather or lace... The glares I got from her... I will never get them anymore. I just realized that... and I can't... I miss her so much."

Rawness filled his voice and shortly after these words, a deep silence fell betweem them. Warrick was thinking what he should say to Nick. Of course: no words could heal the wounds, and he doubted if time could, but he had to calm him down.

"I know... I know. I miss her too... but there's nothing that we can do."

Warrick took the funeral card. "You know what you're going to say?"

Nick nodded and looked at the paper he got out of his pocket. "Yeah, I have written some things down... but I really don't know... I don't know if I can do it. You know, she'll be gone, really gone when I say those words."

He looked over the lawn and smiled. "Everytime I think she's still here. I just can't believe she's gone, really gone…"

There she was. Lying on the white sheets on the inner side of the coffin. He didn't feel sadness when he looked at her now. He didn't feel sadness when he woke up from his thoughts next to her. His arms still holding her dead body. It was just a void, a great emptiness that filled his head.

She had held him in her posession. The dazzling woman, so full of life and laughter. She had guided him to a world where no one had taken him before. She didn't know it, but she had him. With the way she phrased, the way she told him things. In the way she walked, in the way she lingered in the doorway of his office. She never that she had him. And she would never know.

She was his world. And it ended.

She didn't look dead. She looked like a waxen doll from Madame Tussauds. In a scientific way he knew that he wanted her not to look like a dead body, that because he wanted her to wake up and walk over to him.

He didn't want to think about the science anymore.

He looked in his hand. _The letter_. All these days he had tried to open it and placed it at the table again. It almost had become a ritual. He had to open it before the ceremony started, he wanted to know what words she had to say to him before he told her his good-bye.

He torn the upper side of the envelope with his index finger and got the letter out of the covering.

_Grissom,_

_I know that, when you are reading this, something has happened to me. I'm writing this letter because I want you to know some things. Things that are important to me. _

_When we first met, at that seminar in Berkely, I noticed you. You told me about making timelines, bugs, DBs. I wanted you to notice me. I wanted you to see me like no one that you've before. _

_I think I've fallen in love for the first time. The time we spent together there, it meant so much to me. I loved your comments, your intelligence. I loved the way you looked at me, it made me feel warm and cold at the same time. You could see right through me and I think that scared me._

_Years went by and I tried to forget you. I think I failed because when you called me to come to Vegas, I didn't doubt. Not even one second. I wanted to be near you, to prove to you that I was much more than the student I was back then. _

_It seemed that I failed, otherwise you wouldn't have read this letter. I just want to tell you that I always loved you. I know that it probably doesn't matter anymore. Please, don't feel sorry for me. Don't feel guilty. Things are the way they are probably for a good reason. There's nothing that can change history. Don't let it affect the future._

_I will love you, no matter where or how._

_Sara _

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**A/N:** More will come soon. Rest of the funeral will be in chapter 7. Thank you :)  



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